Day 76

So I have clearly not been doing the blogging as much lately as I wanted to. But I have been feeling like my posts are repetitive. I am sick of just venting. I dont want to come across as a negative person.
Things for me lately have been emotionally going up wards. Which is a really nice change. I could use a better job with more money so that I could get my financial stability back on track but at least for right now things are starting to look up.
I found a four leaf clover wannabe today. I feel like that is a sign of good luck. And I could really use that.
My support team lately has been awesome! I have a great family who I get to see a lot. And I have really gotten some signs of who my real friends are lately. There are some people that I always thought would be part of my life and they are starting to drift away. Which is sad but it is ok. Because I have a lot of people that stand by me and show up right when I need them. I have discovered being a part of peoples lives is not as easy as I used to think it was. But the people that honestly let you in, are the only ones you really need.
The next couple weeks are going to be insanely busy but good for my soul. I am so excited to have vacation time and spend time with family.
Things seem to be going well right now. Keep the good luck flowing!

Day 75

I am on such a high right now. I love it. I feel so bubbly.
I have some pretty amazing people in my life. And it comes down to having bad things happen with people that you thought you could trust to make you figure out who deserves your energy.
My weekend is only half way over right now and I have spent the last couple days with some truly awesome people who genuinely like to be around me simply because of who I am.
Today I spent the day with Janessa, Chino, and Aiden. This is becoming sort of a routine things for Fridays. I love it though. Janessa is hands down one of my closest friends in Portland. She is not afraid to tell me her opinion of things even when she disagrees with something I do. Chino and I have sibling rivalry going on. And Aiden is my baby fix. He is such and awesome kid and he helps me to re focus and not think about things.
Then I had dinner with Liz. Liz and I have not seen each other for almost a year. And between the two of us tonight, there was not a second of silence. We completely understand each other and she doesnt judge me because she knows that I am not judging her. We can completely open up to each other and vent things out that other people may not understand.
Tomorrow I am having lunch with Lauren and her daughter. Lauren and I have some strange connection. For whatever reason we need each other. Again, its a trust because we know that the we are not judging each other. We have both made mistakes in our lives and we love each other just the same.
Then Sunday will be spent with the family.
I have been spending time with my awesome friends since Wednesday night and I have been so happy.
I am freaking high on life right now!

Day 74

Oh my goodness I am exhausted tonight.
Today was insanely busy but it was all good. It started yesterday actually. I had a sleepover with my Rosenip and then spent the day with my momma and then work and then dinner with my brother in law and then home to fold laundry and head to bed.
I cleaned my room yesterday because I was expecting to have people at my house but instead went to her house. So coming home tonight was nice because my room is super clean and organized. That is why I stayed up a little later to fold laundry. I want it to stay clean.Next project is my car. I want that to be clean and organized also.
I am so ready to have a nice day with good people again tomorrow also.
I went so long without a social life that I feel like this weekend is so much. But its good too. You find out who you're friends are.
Also. Two weeks till I get to see my family!

Day 73

Oh boy. I have missed a few days. I have not had much to talk about.  I am kind of in a funk as far as my attitude and my groove for everyday stuff goes.
I did find out that our squatter is finally going to start paying rent. So that will be good.
I am actively on the hunt for a better job. I am sick of working part time. I need something more reliable and even though I know jobs are stressful I need something that is different than the stressful politics I am dealing with now.
Oh well. Here is to starting back at the bottom and working my way back up.

Day 72

I stood up for myself today. For the first time ever I told someone exactly what I thought of them. And what they had done to me. I didn't hold back. And I didn't cry. I didn't back down.
By the end I received multiple apologies. A few " you are 100% right". And I stated my opinion on the shit business they run.
I am still calling the health department. The things that are happening there are unsafe for a lot of humans to eat.
I feel good. I feel like I can go to sleep tonight knowing that I did what I could and I didn't sacrifice my emotion and lack of guts for anything. I gave someone the tongue lashing they deserved and didnt let them walk all over me.
I am extremely exhausted and I feel like I ran a marathon. But I feel like I did exactly what needed to be done.
And again... I am still turning them in.

Day 71

So for the first time in my life, I got fired today. For no reason. I got fired for asking my boss to answer a question for me. Its really frustrating because I know that I was doing way more for their business than anyone else there. But I have peace in knowing that shit is going to hit the fan there now that I am gone. If I was the only one cleaning then the manager, who is the laziest person alive, is certainly not going to pick up where I left off.
But at least I know that I did nothing wrong. And karma is inevitable.
I am just going to call the necessary people to make sure that they are not off the hook. Plus, I will remove as much business from them as I can.
The business goes against so many health codes its not even funny.
No sanitary prep stations
Using sponges to wash dishes
Not replacing the sponges very often
Using expired product
Not regulating the temps of the machines
Keeping bags of trash in the kitchen
Not sanatizing sinks
Not changing toppings when they get others mixed in
Not throwing out re run product before it goes sour
Not cleaning the drains of the machines and letting them fill with sour dairy product
Will not showering before work and smelling like weed
Not sending employees home when they are coughing and sneezing

Just to name a few

And also for running two businesses its pretty impressive that they would suggest to pay me under the table. it is my own fault for excepting that but its not going to come back well on them. Also making their employees work eight hour shifts with out any breaks.

The communication is horrible. They wont even respond to phone calls or texts from employees and are not mature enough to have a meeting with an employee first.

But... this too shall pass and karma will take them down.

Day 70

It is snowing right now. It makes me miss Colorado a lot. Along with a lot of other things. I miss the days of climbing over snow drifts and breaking icicles off roofs to suck on them. I miss making snow tunnels and caves. Being decked out in ridiculous amounts of snow gear and coming into the house hours later drenched and frozen. Then the next day pulling our some what stiff snow clothes of the hearth for another day of digging extravagant tunnels.
I miss skiing. The taste of frozen m&ms always reminds me of ski days.

I was ready to get a break from the snow when I moved here. Now I very much miss it. I miss pretty much everything about it. I also miss the fact that people in Colorado can handle driving in the snow. Where, the people here think that driving in the rain is scary but the snow is the same as dry. Wrong.

I sat in the snow for over an hour this evening. Just letting it fall on me. It is very therapeutic. It was refreshing to have something other than rain falling on me.

"Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams. Let it wash away my sanity. Because I want to feel the thunder, I want to scream. Let the rain fall down. I am coming clean."

Day 69

Nick names are a very bizarre thing when you really sit down and think about them. Ha ha. I have some weird nick names for people. My friend Alyssa is Rosenip. Janessa is J Money! (Exclamation mark included). Roxanne is Rockstarsan (Thank you Sam).  And in return... I have some strange ones that have been given to me. Triple Nickel, Rosenip, Monkeyshine, Balemily.
It is just bizarre to me how something starts and then just turns into the norm. Our animals growing up were much the same way. Rarely being called by their actual names.

So tonight is a friends birthday party. I have not talked to her or seen her in months. Could be interesting. Thank you Target for giving me the excuse to duck out early if necessary.

Day 68

I had a very strange dream last night.It was about some guy that I was dating. We had gotten really close really fast and then he started doing hard core drugs and going crazy. He was physically abusive and I had to get a restraining order against him and hide out in some back woods farm. So very strange. No idea where that came from.
Anyway, today was another day of not wanting to be in my house. What a shock. I hate being at home. I hate going to work. Ugh.
But thanks to Janessa and Aiden, I was given a place to escape. I went and had a few good laughs and some much needed baby time. So that helps.

Tomorrow is Monday. Ugh for another week.

Day 67

I had a good day today up until the end. I worked, and then cleaned my room and did laundry all while watching Lord of the Rings. Then this boy in my life picked me up and we spent four hours at OMSI. We looked around at all the displays and checked out the super cool Lego exhibit, went to the Planetarium and saw a show on black holes and then... He took me to the IMAX about the Orangutan orphan rescue. Yup. He likes me. It was so awesome and made me really inspired to get back into that field. I think its time to buckle down and do some research on getting an internship or something to one of these places. I need to play with monkeys.
Then we went to a nice dinner at a pub that gets its meat from Carlton Farms. So that was good. Then we came back home and had a long talk about where we both want to go and how we are sitting as far as this relationship goes.
Then I went to a bonfire at some other friends house.
Then I came home. And checked the mail. Now... my good day has come to a screeching halt. In the mail was a confirmation from the Post Office of a change of address for Hans. He has changed his address to mine. Then to top it off... I get on Facebook and for the second time he has changed his status to talking shit about Ben. Not ok. I am so offended and I feel like he totally went behind my back with the change of address thing. I guess maybe I should look for a new place to live come May. I feel like I have absolutely no say in a place that I pay rent. He seems to have taken over. I have no energy for the fight.

Day 66

Holy emotional rollercoaster Batman!
Since Tuesday it has been a stream of days of inconsistency and a play on how much one can take.
I got excited that the battle with the gym was finally over and that I could write off that distress every week. But ha, joke is on me. Only to find out that yet again, Les has figured out how to pull it together at the last moment.
On top of that, Target is just as unstable. With the different levels of management consistently counter acting each others decisions, its hard to just get simple tasks done.
And then the yogurt shop. As if trying to satisfy Kawika wasnt hard enough, now we ad Will into the equation. He is so stoned and can barely even function as a human being, let alone the manager of a business.
Today, he showed up two hours early, unaware of what day it was. Then when I asked Kawika if I should stay or not, he said yes. But then showed up a few minutes later with lunch for him and Will. Then, Will offers me what is left of his after he shoveled it into his mouth. Please. I want nothing to do with anything that has even come into close vicinity to your mouth. Ugh.
I hate that I have three jobs that are literally destroying my very being. I am trying so hard to salvage the inner me. And every time I get a leg up, something like this happens. Thanks for making me feel worth less.
Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. 

Day 65

Its been an interesting last few days. Dealing with the gym being threatened to shut down. And then not actually being shut down. I was hoping that the battle would finally be over.
I am exhausted from the up and down drama.
Seeing people I have not seen in a while.
And sleeping for 17 hours straight.

Oh boy.
Got a busy weekend planned with lots of good people and activities.

Day 64

Well. Today was a new experience. That is for sure. For the first time I experienced first hand being barricaded out of a building. Getting to the gym I work at and finding the door boarded shut and finding out that the boss has $15,000 in back rent that has to be paid immediately. I mean I know he is a piece if work but I never actually thought that this would happen. He always seems to get his act together at the last minute.

I have to say. I will miss my girls, or at least most of them, but it Is almost going to be a relief that it is just over. This way I don't have to say I quit. I had no choice. That business is terrible and needs to be shut down or taken over anyway.

Day 62

I have gotten two phone calls in the last week from a staffing agency trying to offer me a job in Boulder, Colorado. I have no idea where this is coming from but I want to call them just to see what it is. I just have to have a few minutes of my day to make the phone call during normal business hours.
Also, in the last week, I have received messages from three different friends telling me they are using me as a character reference for things for them.
I feel like that is a pretty big deal. I feel like, out of all the people that they know, they are choosing me to be the character reference. That they picked me, out of all these people, and trust that I will make them look good so that they can achieve whatever it is.
So that is pretty cool.

I got my new shoes today. And I love them! I also was told that the same person that is buying me shoes basically has no intention of stopping when it comes to buying me nicer things. Which for the most part is ok. I cant afford nice things at this point so if someone else wants to get them for me... I wont refuse. But, this person is having a hard time understanding that I wont just ditch the things that are being replaced. I will hang on to them until they are actually un usable. I am not one to wear something a few times and get rid of it. They have to be actually falling apart for me to just discard them. And for whatever reason, apparently that doesnt make sense to some people.

Day 61

I am a little upset with myself for missing a day on here. But when I was thinking about blogging yesterday, it would have ended up as a serious rant. I had a two hour conversation with a friend yesterday. It was not pretty. I had to be very straight forward and explain that the decisions he is making as far as where he is putting his energy is destroying his relationship with me and his brother. That by refusing to walk away from a situation that is literally going to destroy who he is, that he is pushing away the people that actually care about him.
So now, I can look at it as being over and if he chooses not to take what I said into account, then I stand by my feelings of not putting any more energy into it.

Today was not really blog worthy. I did very little. I spent the evening with my niece and nephew and got some excellent cuddling during story time. I love those kids so much.

Day 60

I think we all come to a point in our lives where there is just nothing left to do with certain situations. I have been dealing with this situation that has been just one thing after another. I have also dealt with similar emotionally draining situations. I try so hard to be the friend that everyone wants. I try to be the friend that I want. But sometimes it is just too much. I have come to this point yet again where I have to walk away, at least for now. I have to give up on a friendship that is dragging me down.
The other person involved cant seem to see my point of view and can not seem to give anything back. I can no longer be taken advantage of emotionally or I wont survive it.
It has come time again to think about me. Something that I am not particularly good at but I am learning.

I feel good though. making decisions like this is healthy. Taking the steps to better myself is healthy. I have some stuff going on in my life that I feel really good about and I feel like I am dealing with that stuff as well as I know how. So I have to focus on that. I am done letting people take advantage of me. I am strong and AWESOME!
And not the least bit cocky.

Day 59

Today was another good day. It helps that the sun was out. I miss the daily sunshine. I can say... That is something I can't live without.
I got a call yesterday from a staffing agency with a job available for me in Boulder Colorado.  Not sure where that came from but it sure is tempting. Since no one here wants to give me a decent job.
But it would have to be an awesome opportunity. I am going to call them and find out though.
I am actually in  a good spot right now. I am making healthy relationships decisions and I am doing things right as far as my life goes. Focusing on me is really helping.

Day 58

Today I am happy. Things went well from the time I got up to the time that I am going to bed. I got a little innocent revenge. Found out I am not the only person that thinks the work situation I am in is... Well... Ridiculous. Got things taken care of. Told someone how I felt about their situation and how it was effecting me. Received a couple inspiring phone calls. Got to see the roommate I never see anymore. Smiled a lot. And now... I am about to catch up on my thirteen hours of sleep debt.
If it was up to me... Tomorrow would be this good too. Oh wait. It is up to me.
I love these high times. They are much needed right now and very appreciated.
I can't wait to see the effect I have on tomorrow. Bring it on!

Day 57

I had an experience yesterday that was a very good chance for me to practice controlling my temper. I have been really focusing on taking vitamins and refocusing energy.

I was talking to my store manager all weekend letting him know what hours I could work for the next couple weeks. He agreed and never said anything about a change in the current schedule. So I drove to work and started doing my work. Opened the store at the normal time. Seemed to be moving along smoothly, when the manger came in and asked me what time I had opened. Apparently they had decided to start opening the store an hour later than we had been. On top of that I was not supposed to even be at work. He had been given the schedule two days before and had not posted it for the rest of the employees to see.
I dont understand why communication is so hard. All it takes is a text, a phone call, or an email even. Just let people know what is happening.
My manager told me not to tell my boss about the miscommunication, that he would take care of it. He also told me he would make sure that he got me cash for the time I worked. But the joke is on him. I had already contacted my boss to tell him what had happened. I am not letting him blame me for things that are his fault and then not let me blame him for things that are blatantly his fault. I am not going to continue to be the nice guy. You want to be a bad manager? Fine... be a bad manager. I have no problem making it apparent to the owners.

Day 56

I am realizing that focusing on all the tiny little good things that happen can completely change how I am feeling. Despite all the stress in my life, I can change my mood enough to make people ask me what has gotten me to be all smiley.
I dont care what other people think about the choices I am making right now. I am keeping my head on my shoulders and my guard up. I know that I have to be careful and that I cant let the little things determine my outlook.
I am happy right now and things like letting a male come in and buy me things that I want and could not buy myself is not a bad thing. I am not making it into a lifestyle. I am letting someone do something for me. Which I do not normally do. I am letting someone who WANTS to spend their money on me, spend it.
I know that money doesnt create love or happiness. And I am not expecting it to. I am just being happy.
Everyone tells me to take care of me and to focus on me and to not give all my energy to people that dont deserve it. So that is what I am doing. I am focusing my energy on what I am doing and my work and getting my life back together and in the mean time I am letting someone do nice things and give me things.
And I am happy. Right now. I am happy.

Day 55

When I was little I never used to understand why adults loved days off so much. But as I get older and take on more jobs, I realize the power of having complete control over the day.
Today was my day off. I slept till nine but didn't get out of bed until eleven. Then did as little as possible through out the entire day. I even sat on my balcony and soaked up sun.
It was a nice day and all the windows in the house were open. I feel very refreshed and as ready to start the week as I will ever be.
Its amazing how a day of rest and some sun can help clear the mind.
I also got a nice surprise today. So that didn't hurt anything.

Day 54

So... I spent the evening with a male. He very clearly wanted to do nice things for me. We walked around the mall for a few hours, as he needed to buy new shoes. But then he very much wanted to buy me shoes as well. When I refused to let him he insisted that he buy me a new nose ring as I had been saying I wanted one. We walked up to the store to look and he was convinced that they were going to cost him $100 at least. Seriously. Do I look the kind of girl that wears that kind of thing? I think not. But after he spent the five dollars that the nose ring actually costs. He reached over and grabbed my hand and said that He wanted to spend another seventy five on me. What the heck?
I dont even know what to do here. And then after spending a little while at my house he left to go take care of his sisters horse.
I am not saying that my guard is down. But it certainly was nice to be treated that well.

Day 53

I have run out of dares for the time being so I have decided that I am going to just write. Not make dares or challenges but to use this space to just mind vent. Until I can come up with more dares.
I guess I am daring myself to release through written word rather than spoken word.

Day 54

I am embarrassed to say that I had to buy a bottle of vitamin d the other day. Coming from living in Colorado the thought of buying vitamin d is like watering your lawn in the northwest winter. Completely ridiculous.
But living here and enduring winters is very hard on my body and soul. This is the first year I have really noticed it. And it is seriously taking its toll on me.
I feel like it isn't too much to ask to just have one full day of sun. And as much as I hate being hot in the summer I much prefer that to being wet and cold in the winter.
Once again... Another way I am my mothers daughter.

Day 52

I dare you to leave it up to chance.

Today is a leap day. A day that doesn't exist for the next three years. The day that you can let chance take over your life and just go with what life throws at you.  Today it doesn't matter. Because for the next three years this day won't happen. So take advantage of it. Throw caution to the wind. Be a little out of the ordinary.

Day 51

I dare you to not live in the past.

Ok. So last week was hard. Everyone around me knows that last week was bad. I was spiraling quickly towards rock bottom.

But... I stopped and took a look around me and then walked away. I left that behind me and I am ready to change my mood and my ways.

I hate being depressed. I have always been such a happy person. I like that version of me. I know that I just need to focus on getting some place better in my work and to finish school.

Its time to be happy. Happy is better.

Day 50

Holy cow!!! 50 days!!!! That's a long time.

I dare you to play in the dirt.

I love the dirt. I grew up in it. Seriously if I have the chance to get dirty by doing something fun and useful, I will take it. Everything. Changing car parts. Dancing in the mud. Anything. I absolutely love it.

Day 49

I dare you to cleanse your soul.

I had to do this. It became necessary for moving forward in my life.
I am not suggesting anything drastic. Nothing like taking on a new religion or creating a completely new lifestyle or anything. I just mean dropping the stress of every day life.

Take a couple days and removing yourself completely and going somewhere peaceful and maybe particularly somewhere with bo cell service. So that way you have control over who can contact you and when.

Day 48

I dare you to wait your turn.

We all want the chance to be first. First in line. First parking spot. First to discover something new. But in all honesty. Being first kind of sucks.

When you are first you have no standards to follow. So when you fail it is easier to have someone come up behind you and fix what you did wrong and take the credit for it.
Sometimes just being patient and waiting for the person in front of you to set a low standard is better. This gives you the chance to really let your colors and talents shine through.

Day 47

I dare you to get away.

I would love a vacation right about now. Sadly... I will not be taking one for a while.
Vacations are important. Not only for taking a break but for giving yourself a chance to clear out the clutter in your head.
Taking time off and staying home is good too but it just does not create the same head space as going away.
Since I can't take a vacation I plan to spend my next few chances at a day off getting out of Portland. I am going to be visiting family on Saturday and then as long as I have Sunday off I plan to head out to the river. Just to not begin the city anymore and to be away from my life.

Day 46

I dare you to indulge in baby time.

Yesterday was all around a terrible day. Today I am spending the day with a brand new baby.
Indulging in baby therapy. The smile and smell. Being in the presence of pure innocence is so calming.
Now if only it would make everything go away.

Day 45

I dare you to let yourself break.

I have been trying for the last couple weeks to get a better perspective and to move past things more quickly.
Its not working. So today I am letting myself be broken.

Day 44

I dare you to have a hermit day.

I love to be around people. I love the energy ( for the most part). I love the noise. I love just knowing that people are there. Growing up I was that kid that as soon as I walked in the house after coming home from a vacation or a busy day running errands, I wanted to call someone to come over and play. I love being social.
But as I have gotten older, I have discovered the beauty in being alone.
As much as I love being in the middle of a crowded room, I absolutely love the silence in being alone.
I also have learned to appreciate being alone because I rarely get alone time at my house anymore. I basically lived alone for a few months and I was torn between loving it and hating it. But now that I have another roommate that I didnt plan on, who has no job and is always at home, I get sick of always having the presence of another human.
I am very grateful for being able to go in my bedroom and shut the door and do my own thing in there.
Sometimes being around people is amazing. But it is important to have alone time to regroup and collect your thoughts and sometimes to just breathe.

Day 43

I dare you to only take on as much as you can handle.

I have bitten off way more than I can chew in life currently. I am extremely exhausted and over whelmed. I literally cant take on any thing else.
But this is actually turning out to be a good thing. I have been able to step back on a lot of relationships that didnt deserve the energy that I was putting into them. I have been able to look at things in my life and give them a reality check. Being able to put things on the back burner until I take care of me. It is probably the first time in my life that I have been this okay with being me.
I have to thank being so busy that I have no time for anything else for this chance to take a better look at my life. I miss my social life but I know that emotionally, this is a way better way to go. I don't get so caught up in pleasing people or worrying about what other people think or feel.
I dont mean that in a bad way. I am not saying that I dont care about other people at all. I am just saying that its not time for me to take care of people. It is time to take care of me.
I feel healthy emotionally right now. I am tired and drained emotionally and physically but I am in a healthy place with it.

Day 42

I dare you to just live.

Today has been a long day. But I had a nice dinner to look forward to.
I know whatever is happening between Ben and me probably is not going to last or go anywhere. But he makes me happy right now.

So if that means being taken to nice dinners and what not for a little heart ache later. Its fine. Because for right now I am just going to live.

Day 41

I dare you to refrain from over population.

It is unbelievable to me how many babies are having babies these days. Its like either parents never had the talk with their kids or their kids are just kind of dumb.
I work with a few people that, in my opinion, are WAY too young to be having babies. One is 21 and the other is 18. I think about how I was at both of those ages and I know I was NO where near ready to start having kids. Do I want my own kids? Sure. I cant wait to have kids. But I am 26 and do not feel as though I am ready for that. I cant imagine being 18 and having a kid.

A family came in to my work this morning and they had five kids under the age of 8. Easily. The parents were not much older than me. It makes me so sad. I cant even imagine having one. Five though!!!!
There is no rush for me to have kids. NONE. I want them someday with or without a husband. But that day is certainly not today.

I also dont understand how people dont use birth control. If you cant afford to protect yourself then you certainly cant afford to raise a baby or deal with a disease.

Day 40

I dare you to take on a project.

I have a lot going on right now. As far as work is concerned anyway. But I feel like I need to accomplish things that are going to be healthy for my mental state.
I have recently decided to cut caffeine out of my daily diet. I am not planning to go cold turkey but I am trying to cut the amount that I take in. I tend to use it as a crutch to get me through my days. Starting at 4:00 in the monring means that if I sleep in past then I wake up with a raging caffeine headache. Which is so beyond unhealthy.
So here starts my goal to use healthy foods as a way to get me started in the morning. I am going to concentrate much more on my vitamin in take and try to get that to over take my need for coffee.

Along with that though I am finding that if I can keep my hands and brain busy I notice it less. So I have started crocheting again. I just recently bought some incredibly amazingly soft yarn and I am working on making a pillowcase with it. I have a super soft blanket that I absolutely love and have a hard time sleeping without. So I figure why not have my head on a cloud too.
Also I have started writing. I dont know what it is going to turn into but as of right now it is a story that revolves around a lot of the things that I have going on in my life. I have barely started it so I am no where near knowing what is going on. But I have a lot of things that I want to vent about and I figure writing it is a good way to make it sound less like whining.

Day 39

I dare you to do some weeding.

And no I dont mean weeding the garden. I mean weeding of the bad in your life.
I am absolutely not pointing fingers at anyone here because I am extremely guilty of letting the bad weeds over stay their welcome.
I am completely aware of this. I know that I need to get rid of the people and things that are dragging me down. But for whatever reason. I cant.
I have an over active concience. Seriously. I feel guilty for everything. I cant call into work with  out a legitimate reason. I cant tell people that they are doing something wrong. I just cant. I am constantly trying to keep peace and it never seems to work.
I seriously need to weed out a LOT of things. Especially people. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. I trust people way to easily and I assume that when they say they will do something, that they actually will. But very rarely does any one actually follow through.
I am also very weary about promises. I refuse to promise something unless I know for a fact that I can keep it. But people like to promise me that they will do things and when it doesnt happen I am let down even more than I normally should be.
So my goal this year is to really evaluate the people in my life and if they actually deserve any of my time, because a lot of the people I devote time and energy to dont deserve even half of what I give them.

Day 38

I dare you to be giddy.

For the first time in my life I am giddy on valentines day. Trust me. This is a first. I actually think the holiday is stupid but not the feeling. I think every day should be the day you tell the person you love that you love them. What is wrong with giving chocolates and flowers on say... July 26? I am just saying. It is a completely ridiculous holiday and makes single people feel like crap.
But today.... I found out that my dinner on Saturday night is our celebration of valentines day. And Ben asked me to he his valentine. He said he realizes our situation is weird but he still would like me to be his valentine. So yes... As much as I know things have not changed and I still hate valentines day. I am totally giddy today!!!

Day 37

I dare you to believe in yourself.

I was having a hard time coming up with a dare today but as soon as I started typing, this one came to me.
So many people, especially women, tend to have very low self esteem and or self confidence.
I am not exempt from this category, all though I am pretty good at putting on a front.
I have a hard time believing that I have anything going for me a lot of the time. I look at other women and I compare myself to them constantly. Whether it is looks or body or achievements. I constantly think about what I could do to change who I am.
In reality though, as much as there is about me that I would love to change, there are things that I like and I realize that those other women dont have what I have.
I would love to have the bodies of some of the other women, and some day I will. Unfortunately due to medication that I took when I was younger, it is harder for me to change my body image than I would like it to be.
However, all the physical things aside, I am a very loving and caring person. I try my hardest to put other people before me. I love to take care of people. Making other people happy makes me happy.

I realize I can not point my fingers at any one because I am the exact same way, I am aware that there is an issue. Being able to love yourself is hard. But if you want anyone to love you and believe in you for who you are, you have to learn to love and believe in yourself first.

Day 36

I dare you to not care about anyone but you.

It is rare that I give myself a chance to just do whatever I want and not pay attention to the people around me. I was not raised to ignore people. But I got home from running errands today and saw my roommates boyfriend on the couch. I had so much to get done this afternoon as it is my only day without work.
Anyway, he was sitting on the couch playing video games. Which annoys me enough as it is but dishes needed to be done, I had to finish laundry, the house needed to be vacuumed, and the dishwasher needed to be unloaded. Most of which are things that he can do. Not my laundry, but everything else could have already been done.
So I decided that I was going to do what I needed to do and be as loud as possible about it. With one load of laundry in the washing machine and one in the dryer, I unloaded the dishwasher, making sure to crash the dishes as much as I could and still be careful. Then ran the water nice and high so that it was loud.
I am so sick of him being here and being on the couch, playing video games. I am sick of being considerate in any way and not getting the slightest reciprocation.  He never asks if he can do anything for me. He never asks if I need the shower before he goes in there.
So, from here on out I am taking back my house. I am doing what I need to do and not caring about other people,  at least not him.

Day 35

I dare you to not pull a "Ben".

I have sort of a massive jumble of being confused and being happy and scared and nervous and tired and happy (yes I realize I added that twice) going on in my head right now.
I have started seeing my ex again. I know I know. I realize that most of the time that never works out. But who knows.When we were together, I was super happy and our break up came out of no where. I thought everything was good and going smoothly and then he showed up at my house one day and brought me donuts, told me I was not the one and walked away. My feeling at the time was, "Of course I am not the one. We barely know each other yet." But we both walked away, and it took a while for us to speak to each other again. But just recently we decided to meet up for dinner and he told me how much he missed me and how stupid he was for breaking up with me. Well DUH!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I am a catch. But seriously.
He told me that he wanted to work on our relationship the right way and start out as a stronger friend bond and go from there. So I agreed and we have been talking. But then he asked me to be his date to a dinner at a fairly fancy restaurant with his coworkers and their wives. Four days after Valentines Day. I know that it isn't Valentines Day but still that doesnt seem like a just friends thing to me. And then last night he and I were talking and he called me "baby girl". Ok. Terms of endearment are nice or whatever, but that is not something you call your friends. I don't care who you are. So I have a feeling that things are heading in a different direction than was originally planned. We have dinner plans tonight so I am hoping that we can talk and kind of figure out where everything is sitting.
I know that I was really happy with him and he crushed me when we broke up. But I still cant help but be smiling. For no reason. I am just happy again. What scares me is this is exactly what I felt like the first time around and I dont want to let it effect me as much. I want to be in control. But what can I say? He makes me happy.

Also, I am pretty sure I forgot to blog yesterday, which means it is my first missed day. But I was spending the day with my sister and her kids so I consider it excusable.

Day 34

I dare you to indulge.
Sometimes it is okay to take advantage of things. When you work hard for your money, its okay to let yourself have a little of the reward. I have decided, now that I am working so much, that it is okay for me to get some of the things I have not been able to get. I have been dealing with a computer with no battery for two years. And today I got a new battery.

I am also very excited to indulge of smaller debt. It is still a little way out but when all my debt is paid off... all this work without play and constant exhaustion will be totally worth it. Plus then I can finally indulge in finishing school and moving forward. Long term goals I know. But still.

Day 33

I dare you to experience.

So many of us just get sucked into the routine of every day life. I am just as guilty of this. Get up. Go to work. Go to bed. But with that we lose the chances to experience so many things.
There are so many things available to us. Maybe not without cost or whatever. But still.
How many times do you pass up doing something because you have to work? I do it a lot. Even if it is just going out with friends or something simple.
This year I have all sorts of plans. I have plans for visits from friends and I have plans to visit friends. I have decided that it is time to experience new places and faces and moments. I only get one shot at life. I may as well cram as many experiences into it as I can.

Day 32

I dare you to use those three words.

I know it is hard for some people to say I love you. Not necessarily in the case of significant others. But in everything. Telling family and friends every chance you get. Its hard sometimes to decipher between extreme like and love and lust. But sometimes it is just right.
There are certain people in my life that I constantly say I love you to. Family is a no brainer for me. Even the cousins and distant ones. I am not super close with my extended family but that doesn't mean I don't love them. They are blood.
Then there are my friends. I have a few super close friends who I say it to. After pretty much every phone conversation. Now I have friends who I care about very much and would most likely do anything for. However. They and I both know that we are not as close as I am with other people. So the phrase is used rarely.
I have one friend who is, for the sake of using the term, my best friend. He has been by my side the longest and most consistently of all my friends. And with him, not a day goes by that we have not exchanged at least four "I love you"s. It is just what we do. Neither of us is afraid to admit that we love each other.
Its not hard to say. It is just hard to know the accurate times to use it.
I think it should be used more often with friends and family but I by no means think it should be used early on in relationships. It absolutely has to be earned and be from the heart.
People say the word 'hate' is too strong for what it is used for and for how often it is used. But don't you think the same goes for 'love'?

Day 31

I dare you to appreciate.

Today my mother and I went to a local college and took part in Charles Dicken's 200th birthday party. It was pretty interesting to see the people who were there and totally obvious which ones were required to be there and which ones were there simply because they wanted to be.
We were part of the latter group.
It amazing that one person could have had such an amazing impact on the entire world. Everyone knows who he is and has at least heard of the things he has written. But I don't think many people in my generation actually appreciate it.
He was clearly an amazing writer and had such a wild imagination. I can't even imagine being able to come up with all of the words for all of the characters.
It is truly amazing. And it makes me appreciate my childhood more. I was lucky to be raised on books written by such a man.

P.s. I have completed one month without missing a day.

Day 30

I dare you to refrain from "lol".

I absolutely hate the over use of "lol". If it is funny enough to laugh out loud then write "ha ha ha". Don't make the statement of... I am.laughing out loud. Its ridiculous. When I receive a text that simply says... Lol. I want to hurt someone. Seriously. Who does that? It gets even worse when you are having an actual face to face conversation and instead of the person laughing they say... " lol". Are you kidding me? Laughing is good for you. Its ok to let it out. For heavens sake let out a gafaw every once in a while.

Day 29

I dare you to be selfish with alone time.

I use to not be that into alone time. I love being around people. But lately I have no chance for alone time so I crave it. I got my first bit of alone time today after two weeks of not having it. That is too much. Everyone needs alone time. But for me it is because my roommates boyfriend is always in the house which is annoying any way but it is even more annoying when I  can't simply live in my own house.
I don't think it is too much to ask for to get alone time. I just want to pee with the door open and watch whatever show I want. And know my food will be there where I left it.

Day 28

I dare you to be active.

So my back has been hurting really badly lately and so I have been babying it. But today my work was so busy for five hours that I didn't stop moving. Since I was the only one working and there was a constant stream of people. But suddenly I realized that my back didn't hurt. So apparently staying active helps your body to hurt less. Go figure.

Day 27

I dare you to dare me.

I have nothing left in me today. I have no expectations of people or suggestions. I feel like every time I turn around I am upsetting someone. And I am exhausted. So this time you can dare me. Give me something to keep the driving force.

Day 26

I dare you to be strong.

Today I was thinking about my friend in Seattle. She went through a month of just one horrible thing after another. She has lost so much. Yet every day she has something positive to say and a smile on her face.
She is such an inspiration to me. I often have to take another look at things after I think about her.
Happiness is in our hands.

Day 25

I dare you to allow yourself to be angry.

Sometimes it is necessary to just be upset. To not let things blow over right away but to just embrace what you are feeling.
This year I have been trying really hard to refocus my energies on things that deserve them. But sometimes I just need to be angry.
Today was one of those days. I was fine until I found out I was going to help cover my roommates end of the utilities because she has not been working enough. That made me irritated because last month I had to help cover the other roommate. But then I found out that dinner plans had to change because my roommate can't afford to buy food because she has to help cover her sister.
I know it all seems stupid and petty but its true. Sometimes its ok to just be angry. And let yourself feel emotions.

Day 24

I dare you to take chances.

Within reason of course. I have been experimenting with color changes in my hair.
It had pink in it for a while and I just switched to green.
I really like the little bit of color mixed into the brown.  But it is also just me being risky.
Take a chance. Do something risky.

Day 23

I dare you to be irreplaceable.
I think its a rare thing for employers to find a good employee that doesn't have to try but just does their job. With a smile.
I don't mean to brag but I have been that person a few times. And yes it feels good knowing that you are the most irreplaceable person they have. Doesn't mean it is not possible to still replace you. But you can take pride in knowing someone saw what you were doing.

Day 22

I dare you to rearrange.
Its amazing how just moving a piece of furniture can change your entire mood. I rearranged my living room today. Suddenly it looks so much more homey and cozy and grown up. It makes me want to spend time in it. And be at home more.
Just rearranging a few things in your life can create more peace and tranquility.  And make coming home much more relaxing.
What will you do?

Day 21

I dare you to be proud of yourself.

I have to say I am pretty proud of how well I am doing. Three weeks straight. Not missing a day. And some days I have a hard time coming up with new dares. So if anyone has any suggestions let me know. And some days there may not be dares.
But still. I am going strong on something that is normally hard for me to keep up. And I am proud of myself.

What will you do?

Day 20

I dare you to show affection.

This is something that is a must for me to get through any day. I need to feel physical affection. Hugs and hand holding and a hand on the back is typically enough.

The hard thing for me is when someone that I normally exchange affection with doesn't reciprocate. It is not like I ask for much.

I hug all of my friends. I hug my family.
It is necessary. And it helps spread a good mood. If someone hugs you it makes you feel better so then if you turn around and give someone else a similar form of affection it will become a chain reaction.
We all know that sometimes you just need a hug. Why not give one too.

What will you do?

Day 19

I dare you to state your opinion.

So my boss today... Got some sort of attitude and decided to speak to me in a very inappropriate tone. So I looked at him. Told him he was being inappropriate and walked out.
Felt Sooooo good.
Now to just actually walk out and give him the finger. 

Day 18

I dare you to rest.

This has been hard for me lately since I am working three jobs. But my body decided to let me know the hard way that it is now time to rest.
I am now sick and exhausted and trying to keep up with my normal busy schedule. So this week could be interesting. But its a good sign that everything else can wait. For now I have to let my body rest. And sleep a lot.
We only get on body and one shot at this life thing so we have to remember to take care of it.

What will you do?

Day 17

I dare you to groove.

My sister just gave me an mp3 player. I finally got all my music converted and put on it. So today while I was getting ready for work I put the head phones in. And just grooved.  I just let myself be part of the music. It got my blood pumping and took my mind off going to work. I started to feel better and was ready to go.
I don't mean dance. I mean groove. Let the music literally move you.

What will you do?

Day 16

I dare you to close your mouth.
This kind of fits a couple different areas. One being... Don't say everything that pops into your head. And the other.... Chew with your mouth closed.
I had an experience this weekend with a supervisor. He failed to tell me something specific about part of my opening routine at work but chewed me up one side and down the other because I had done it wrong. All I could do was shut my mouth.
The other thing is that I was raised to not chew with my mouth open. So listening to people chew makes me crazy! Shut your mouth. It is so gross to hear people eating and see the food in their mouth. I do not understand how any mother could pay no attention to her child eating like that and let them go their whole life being such a barbarian.
What will you do?

Day 15

I dare you to give as much as you take.
We are all guilty of this. So I am not pointing fingers at anyone specifically. Ok... Maybe I am. Just a little bit.
So I love having my roommate and her boyfriend at the house. I love having people around. But every time I ask her boyfriend if he wants something to eat he always says no, that he doesn't want to be a mooch. Ok. That is fair. But lately I have noticed how much he does actually eat. Of my food. While I am gone.
I was just planning to let it go. Let it roll off my back. But this morning was my first full day off in a couple weeks. I slept in. When I got up I decided I wanted a cup of coffee. But when I open the cupboard I see that my coffee is gone. Not ok. I don't mind that he has used it all. But for real. Just replace it. How hard is it?
I just don't understand how people can just take take take. But when it comes to giving back they want nothing to do with it.
My upbringing trained me to give as well. Unfortunately sometimes I choose to give everything I have. But its better than taking everything that you have.
What will you do?

Day 14

I dare you to be unique.

As I sit at work day in and day out I see a lot of people. Of all ages and sizes and ethnicities.  The thing that is so strange is that as a majority they are all striving to be something that everyone else is. Yet when someone comes along who is completely different then the rest, we notice because they stick out. But what if we were all 100% different from each other? Embracing our own personal opinions and beliefs and not listening to anyone else. You wouldn't notice it. It would just be "normal" . So why is normal So plastic? Who figures out what is normal or not?
Today I am going to start being just a little bit more unique. Nothing drastic. Just not exactly the same.

What will you do?

Day 13

I dare you to use some respect.

Ok. So my friend was in the hospital. I spent two days by his side. Called out of work. The whole thing. Twenty minutes after he was discharged he informed me he was going to the gym. Then the next morning he completely ignored what the doctor had said and ate scratchy food after numbing his throat. Two things that show no respect for my time wasted. I could have been working or resting but instead I was in the hospital with him.
It just blows my mind how people have absolutely no conscious idea of their actions and how they affect the people around them. Why is it so hard to be respectful?

What will you do?

Day 12

I dare you to find something to sing about.
This one was my sister's idea. But it kind of links into my last couple days. I didn't blog yesterday because I spent the entire day in the hospital with a friend. His symptoms that made him go to the hospital turned into discovering a more severe issue.
On a day to day basis we tend to take our health for granted. Until something happens. Then we are miserable. But when we get better we appreciate it for a bit and then we take it for granted.
Last night, watching my friend in pain and suffering. I felt like I should be singing that I was lucky to be healthy.
But seriously find something to sing about. Be so grateful you are alive and well that you sing.
What will you do?

Day 11

I dare you....

This one is open. I have had a busy and emotionally draining couple of days. I refuse to skip a day blogging but I fear I am too exhausted to come up with something clever.
So this one is in the hands of the beholder.

What will you do?

Day 10

I dare you to take one day at a time.

Today has been a test on this for me.
I worked all three jobs back to back. But my head is elsewhere. I found out last night right before bed that one of my friends was in the emergency room for a viral infection from a tooth infection that spread through her face and caused her to stop breathing. She had emergency surgery today because the infection had spread to her jaw bone and if it went any further it go into her brain. So that has been weighing heavily on my mind. And I am trying very hard to focus on getting through today with her. And not thinking about what could happen.

Day 9

I dare you to dance in the rain.

So I live in the northwest. Which mean that it rains a lot. But for some reason people have no idea how to function in it. Even though they deal with it more than sun. People forget how to drive and seem to think they will melt going outside.
I miss the days of the rain storms where every one wanted to go out and play in it. To dance and run and splash in puddles. That is the best way to deal with rain. Love it!

What will you do?

Day 8

I dare you to stick with it.

Alright. So this is officially a week since I started blogging.  I am proud of myself because I stuck with it. With most things like this I tend to stop after a couple days. But I plan to continue blogging. Its a good outlet for me to have. Let some frustrations out and maybe somewhere down the line give someone something to read. This isn't intended necessarily as anything to preach or to give advise. It is merely suggestions and reminders.

What will you do?

Day 7

I dare you to laugh.

People take life way too seriously. You only get one shot. So laugh.
I laugh most of my day. Its almost disgusting sometimes. When I get started laughing. I can't stop. Its great.
I also laugh just like my mother. I would never have admitted this as a kid but now I am proud. We have a very contagious laugh. If you get the two of us going. Every one in the room is laughing but most people are laughing at us.
I don't mind being laughed at. I do mind when people make fun of my laugh. I know it is loud. I know it goes on for a long time. But in the end when you die at the age of 60 and I die at the age of 150. I will be the one laughing.

There is no point in going through life with a scowl. Laugh at a joke. Laugh with someone. Giggle when you see someone trip. Laugh when you see a squirrel drop a nut on someone. Its funny. Let it out.

What will you do?

Day 6

I dare you to be the light.

I am actually aware of how cheesy this sounds. But some song lyrics kind of inspired me. The line says " so hold up your light and shine. All I want to see is a sky full of lighters." I think that is something for us all. Not just being bright and shiny and happy all the time but being a positive effect on someone else.
Its a proven fact that if you are walking down the street and smile at someone that they will pass it on.
I try to be a happy person. Especially with people I don't know or barely know. I just don't see the point in being the downer.
One of my favorite things about working in retail is being super friendly and out going. That way when people leave they are talking about how strange it was to have such a happy human help them. And yes... Sometimes it is hard to do but its totally worth it in the long run.

What will you do?

Day 5

I dare you to not judge.

I was thinking this morning about a conversation I had with a friend. We were talking about another one of my friends and he told me not to ever invite him to hang out if she was there. We all worked together previously and when she first started, I didn't like her either. But she is the kind of person that grows on you. And she and I are close now. But it got me thinking. What is the point of judging people. Being so shallow and close minded that you can't even open your self up to a second chance.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not guilt free of judging. But I try to not make judgements that lock me into a mind set. And I usually give people way more chances then they deserve. So give someone a second chance to impress you.

What will you do?

Day 4

I dare you to take a deep breath.

Sometimes when I am going through my day I let things get to me. Ok. It happens a lot. But it is usually the same thing over and over again. But taking a step back and literally taking a deep breath is soothing. It will honestly help before words that you later regret actually come out. When I go to work at the gym I have to remember that keeping mouth shut and taking a deep breath is necessary if I want to keep my job.

Day 3

I dare you to succeed.

This one is a little vague. Mostly it is just a reminder.  A reminder to focus on success. To not give up so easily.

What will you do?

Day 2

I dare you to take the risk of jumping in with two feet.

I did it. I jumped in. Two feet forward. I now work in the food industry. Something I swore I would never do. But I think it is going to be fun. I will be working for someone who I have worked for before. So that cuts an issue out. And it is serving frozen yogurt. So it is very easy. But it will be a good experience and it is something completely new and different.

What will you do?

Day 1

I dare you to make a commitment.

I committed to taking on a third job. Yes. A third one. But in the long run it will be to commit to finally quitting one of my other jobs that is actually more of a depression vortex than anything. Don't get me wrong. I love the girls that I coach and I love the opportunity to be part of something I am passionate about. But working for someone who has no concept of how to even exist as a semi normal human being is extremely hard to deal with. And I am almost to my three year mark at this job. I have put up with it long enough.

What will you do?