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Friday, March 30, 2012

Day 75

I am on such a high right now. I love it. I feel so bubbly.
I have some pretty amazing people in my life. And it comes down to having bad things happen with people that you thought you could trust to make you figure out who deserves your energy.
My weekend is only half way over right now and I have spent the last couple days with some truly awesome people who genuinely like to be around me simply because of who I am.
Today I spent the day with Janessa, Chino, and Aiden. This is becoming sort of a routine things for Fridays. I love it though. Janessa is hands down one of my closest friends in Portland. She is not afraid to tell me her opinion of things even when she disagrees with something I do. Chino and I have sibling rivalry going on. And Aiden is my baby fix. He is such and awesome kid and he helps me to re focus and not think about things.
Then I had dinner with Liz. Liz and I have not seen each other for almost a year. And between the two of us tonight, there was not a second of silence. We completely understand each other and she doesnt judge me because she knows that I am not judging her. We can completely open up to each other and vent things out that other people may not understand.
Tomorrow I am having lunch with Lauren and her daughter. Lauren and I have some strange connection. For whatever reason we need each other. Again, its a trust because we know that the we are not judging each other. We have both made mistakes in our lives and we love each other just the same.
Then Sunday will be spent with the family.
I have been spending time with my awesome friends since Wednesday night and I have been so happy.
I am freaking high on life right now!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Day 74

Oh my goodness I am exhausted tonight.
Today was insanely busy but it was all good. It started yesterday actually. I had a sleepover with my Rosenip and then spent the day with my momma and then work and then dinner with my brother in law and then home to fold laundry and head to bed.
I cleaned my room yesterday because I was expecting to have people at my house but instead went to her house. So coming home tonight was nice because my room is super clean and organized. That is why I stayed up a little later to fold laundry. I want it to stay clean.Next project is my car. I want that to be clean and organized also.
I am so ready to have a nice day with good people again tomorrow also.
I went so long without a social life that I feel like this weekend is so much. But its good too. You find out who you're friends are.
Also. Two weeks till I get to see my family!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Day 73

Oh boy. I have missed a few days. I have not had much to talk about.  I am kind of in a funk as far as my attitude and my groove for everyday stuff goes.
I did find out that our squatter is finally going to start paying rent. So that will be good.
I am actively on the hunt for a better job. I am sick of working part time. I need something more reliable and even though I know jobs are stressful I need something that is different than the stressful politics I am dealing with now.
Oh well. Here is to starting back at the bottom and working my way back up.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Day 72

I stood up for myself today. For the first time ever I told someone exactly what I thought of them. And what they had done to me. I didn't hold back. And I didn't cry. I didn't back down.
By the end I received multiple apologies. A few " you are 100% right". And I stated my opinion on the shit business they run.
I am still calling the health department. The things that are happening there are unsafe for a lot of humans to eat.
I feel good. I feel like I can go to sleep tonight knowing that I did what I could and I didn't sacrifice my emotion and lack of guts for anything. I gave someone the tongue lashing they deserved and didnt let them walk all over me.
I am extremely exhausted and I feel like I ran a marathon. But I feel like I did exactly what needed to be done.
And again... I am still turning them in.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Day 71

So for the first time in my life, I got fired today. For no reason. I got fired for asking my boss to answer a question for me. Its really frustrating because I know that I was doing way more for their business than anyone else there. But I have peace in knowing that shit is going to hit the fan there now that I am gone. If I was the only one cleaning then the manager, who is the laziest person alive, is certainly not going to pick up where I left off.
But at least I know that I did nothing wrong. And karma is inevitable.
I am just going to call the necessary people to make sure that they are not off the hook. Plus, I will remove as much business from them as I can.
The business goes against so many health codes its not even funny.
No sanitary prep stations
Using sponges to wash dishes
Not replacing the sponges very often
Using expired product
Not regulating the temps of the machines
Keeping bags of trash in the kitchen
Not sanatizing sinks
Not changing toppings when they get others mixed in
Not throwing out re run product before it goes sour
Not cleaning the drains of the machines and letting them fill with sour dairy product
Will not showering before work and smelling like weed
Not sending employees home when they are coughing and sneezing

Just to name a few

And also for running two businesses its pretty impressive that they would suggest to pay me under the table. it is my own fault for excepting that but its not going to come back well on them. Also making their employees work eight hour shifts with out any breaks.

The communication is horrible. They wont even respond to phone calls or texts from employees and are not mature enough to have a meeting with an employee first.

But... this too shall pass and karma will take them down.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Day 70

It is snowing right now. It makes me miss Colorado a lot. Along with a lot of other things. I miss the days of climbing over snow drifts and breaking icicles off roofs to suck on them. I miss making snow tunnels and caves. Being decked out in ridiculous amounts of snow gear and coming into the house hours later drenched and frozen. Then the next day pulling our some what stiff snow clothes of the hearth for another day of digging extravagant tunnels.
I miss skiing. The taste of frozen m&ms always reminds me of ski days.

I was ready to get a break from the snow when I moved here. Now I very much miss it. I miss pretty much everything about it. I also miss the fact that people in Colorado can handle driving in the snow. Where, the people here think that driving in the rain is scary but the snow is the same as dry. Wrong.

I sat in the snow for over an hour this evening. Just letting it fall on me. It is very therapeutic. It was refreshing to have something other than rain falling on me.

"Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams. Let it wash away my sanity. Because I want to feel the thunder, I want to scream. Let the rain fall down. I am coming clean."

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 69

Nick names are a very bizarre thing when you really sit down and think about them. Ha ha. I have some weird nick names for people. My friend Alyssa is Rosenip. Janessa is J Money! (Exclamation mark included). Roxanne is Rockstarsan (Thank you Sam).  And in return... I have some strange ones that have been given to me. Triple Nickel, Rosenip, Monkeyshine, Balemily.
It is just bizarre to me how something starts and then just turns into the norm. Our animals growing up were much the same way. Rarely being called by their actual names.

So tonight is a friends birthday party. I have not talked to her or seen her in months. Could be interesting. Thank you Target for giving me the excuse to duck out early if necessary.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Day 68

I had a very strange dream last night.It was about some guy that I was dating. We had gotten really close really fast and then he started doing hard core drugs and going crazy. He was physically abusive and I had to get a restraining order against him and hide out in some back woods farm. So very strange. No idea where that came from.
Anyway, today was another day of not wanting to be in my house. What a shock. I hate being at home. I hate going to work. Ugh.
But thanks to Janessa and Aiden, I was given a place to escape. I went and had a few good laughs and some much needed baby time. So that helps.

Tomorrow is Monday. Ugh for another week.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Day 67

I had a good day today up until the end. I worked, and then cleaned my room and did laundry all while watching Lord of the Rings. Then this boy in my life picked me up and we spent four hours at OMSI. We looked around at all the displays and checked out the super cool Lego exhibit, went to the Planetarium and saw a show on black holes and then... He took me to the IMAX about the Orangutan orphan rescue. Yup. He likes me. It was so awesome and made me really inspired to get back into that field. I think its time to buckle down and do some research on getting an internship or something to one of these places. I need to play with monkeys.
Then we went to a nice dinner at a pub that gets its meat from Carlton Farms. So that was good. Then we came back home and had a long talk about where we both want to go and how we are sitting as far as this relationship goes.
Then I went to a bonfire at some other friends house.
Then I came home. And checked the mail. Now... my good day has come to a screeching halt. In the mail was a confirmation from the Post Office of a change of address for Hans. He has changed his address to mine. Then to top it off... I get on Facebook and for the second time he has changed his status to talking shit about Ben. Not ok. I am so offended and I feel like he totally went behind my back with the change of address thing. I guess maybe I should look for a new place to live come May. I feel like I have absolutely no say in a place that I pay rent. He seems to have taken over. I have no energy for the fight.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Day 66

Holy emotional rollercoaster Batman!
Since Tuesday it has been a stream of days of inconsistency and a play on how much one can take.
I got excited that the battle with the gym was finally over and that I could write off that distress every week. But ha, joke is on me. Only to find out that yet again, Les has figured out how to pull it together at the last moment.
On top of that, Target is just as unstable. With the different levels of management consistently counter acting each others decisions, its hard to just get simple tasks done.
And then the yogurt shop. As if trying to satisfy Kawika wasnt hard enough, now we ad Will into the equation. He is so stoned and can barely even function as a human being, let alone the manager of a business.
Today, he showed up two hours early, unaware of what day it was. Then when I asked Kawika if I should stay or not, he said yes. But then showed up a few minutes later with lunch for him and Will. Then, Will offers me what is left of his after he shoveled it into his mouth. Please. I want nothing to do with anything that has even come into close vicinity to your mouth. Ugh.
I hate that I have three jobs that are literally destroying my very being. I am trying so hard to salvage the inner me. And every time I get a leg up, something like this happens. Thanks for making me feel worth less.
Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Day 65

Its been an interesting last few days. Dealing with the gym being threatened to shut down. And then not actually being shut down. I was hoping that the battle would finally be over.
I am exhausted from the up and down drama.
Seeing people I have not seen in a while.
And sleeping for 17 hours straight.

Oh boy.
Got a busy weekend planned with lots of good people and activities.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Day 64

Well. Today was a new experience. That is for sure. For the first time I experienced first hand being barricaded out of a building. Getting to the gym I work at and finding the door boarded shut and finding out that the boss has $15,000 in back rent that has to be paid immediately. I mean I know he is a piece if work but I never actually thought that this would happen. He always seems to get his act together at the last minute.

I have to say. I will miss my girls, or at least most of them, but it Is almost going to be a relief that it is just over. This way I don't have to say I quit. I had no choice. That business is terrible and needs to be shut down or taken over anyway.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Day 62

I have gotten two phone calls in the last week from a staffing agency trying to offer me a job in Boulder, Colorado. I have no idea where this is coming from but I want to call them just to see what it is. I just have to have a few minutes of my day to make the phone call during normal business hours.
Also, in the last week, I have received messages from three different friends telling me they are using me as a character reference for things for them.
I feel like that is a pretty big deal. I feel like, out of all the people that they know, they are choosing me to be the character reference. That they picked me, out of all these people, and trust that I will make them look good so that they can achieve whatever it is.
So that is pretty cool.

I got my new shoes today. And I love them! I also was told that the same person that is buying me shoes basically has no intention of stopping when it comes to buying me nicer things. Which for the most part is ok. I cant afford nice things at this point so if someone else wants to get them for me... I wont refuse. But, this person is having a hard time understanding that I wont just ditch the things that are being replaced. I will hang on to them until they are actually un usable. I am not one to wear something a few times and get rid of it. They have to be actually falling apart for me to just discard them. And for whatever reason, apparently that doesnt make sense to some people.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Day 61

I am a little upset with myself for missing a day on here. But when I was thinking about blogging yesterday, it would have ended up as a serious rant. I had a two hour conversation with a friend yesterday. It was not pretty. I had to be very straight forward and explain that the decisions he is making as far as where he is putting his energy is destroying his relationship with me and his brother. That by refusing to walk away from a situation that is literally going to destroy who he is, that he is pushing away the people that actually care about him.
So now, I can look at it as being over and if he chooses not to take what I said into account, then I stand by my feelings of not putting any more energy into it.

Today was not really blog worthy. I did very little. I spent the evening with my niece and nephew and got some excellent cuddling during story time. I love those kids so much.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Day 60

I think we all come to a point in our lives where there is just nothing left to do with certain situations. I have been dealing with this situation that has been just one thing after another. I have also dealt with similar emotionally draining situations. I try so hard to be the friend that everyone wants. I try to be the friend that I want. But sometimes it is just too much. I have come to this point yet again where I have to walk away, at least for now. I have to give up on a friendship that is dragging me down.
The other person involved cant seem to see my point of view and can not seem to give anything back. I can no longer be taken advantage of emotionally or I wont survive it.
It has come time again to think about me. Something that I am not particularly good at but I am learning.

I feel good though. making decisions like this is healthy. Taking the steps to better myself is healthy. I have some stuff going on in my life that I feel really good about and I feel like I am dealing with that stuff as well as I know how. So I have to focus on that. I am done letting people take advantage of me. I am strong and AWESOME!
And not the least bit cocky.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Day 59

Today was another good day. It helps that the sun was out. I miss the daily sunshine. I can say... That is something I can't live without.
I got a call yesterday from a staffing agency with a job available for me in Boulder Colorado.  Not sure where that came from but it sure is tempting. Since no one here wants to give me a decent job.
But it would have to be an awesome opportunity. I am going to call them and find out though.
I am actually in  a good spot right now. I am making healthy relationships decisions and I am doing things right as far as my life goes. Focusing on me is really helping.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Day 58

Today I am happy. Things went well from the time I got up to the time that I am going to bed. I got a little innocent revenge. Found out I am not the only person that thinks the work situation I am in is... Well... Ridiculous. Got things taken care of. Told someone how I felt about their situation and how it was effecting me. Received a couple inspiring phone calls. Got to see the roommate I never see anymore. Smiled a lot. And now... I am about to catch up on my thirteen hours of sleep debt.
If it was up to me... Tomorrow would be this good too. Oh wait. It is up to me.
I love these high times. They are much needed right now and very appreciated.
I can't wait to see the effect I have on tomorrow. Bring it on!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Day 57

I had an experience yesterday that was a very good chance for me to practice controlling my temper. I have been really focusing on taking vitamins and refocusing energy.

I was talking to my store manager all weekend letting him know what hours I could work for the next couple weeks. He agreed and never said anything about a change in the current schedule. So I drove to work and started doing my work. Opened the store at the normal time. Seemed to be moving along smoothly, when the manger came in and asked me what time I had opened. Apparently they had decided to start opening the store an hour later than we had been. On top of that I was not supposed to even be at work. He had been given the schedule two days before and had not posted it for the rest of the employees to see.
I dont understand why communication is so hard. All it takes is a text, a phone call, or an email even. Just let people know what is happening.
My manager told me not to tell my boss about the miscommunication, that he would take care of it. He also told me he would make sure that he got me cash for the time I worked. But the joke is on him. I had already contacted my boss to tell him what had happened. I am not letting him blame me for things that are his fault and then not let me blame him for things that are blatantly his fault. I am not going to continue to be the nice guy. You want to be a bad manager? Fine... be a bad manager. I have no problem making it apparent to the owners.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Day 56

I am realizing that focusing on all the tiny little good things that happen can completely change how I am feeling. Despite all the stress in my life, I can change my mood enough to make people ask me what has gotten me to be all smiley.
I dont care what other people think about the choices I am making right now. I am keeping my head on my shoulders and my guard up. I know that I have to be careful and that I cant let the little things determine my outlook.
I am happy right now and things like letting a male come in and buy me things that I want and could not buy myself is not a bad thing. I am not making it into a lifestyle. I am letting someone do something for me. Which I do not normally do. I am letting someone who WANTS to spend their money on me, spend it.
I know that money doesnt create love or happiness. And I am not expecting it to. I am just being happy.
Everyone tells me to take care of me and to focus on me and to not give all my energy to people that dont deserve it. So that is what I am doing. I am focusing my energy on what I am doing and my work and getting my life back together and in the mean time I am letting someone do nice things and give me things.
And I am happy. Right now. I am happy.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Day 55

When I was little I never used to understand why adults loved days off so much. But as I get older and take on more jobs, I realize the power of having complete control over the day.
Today was my day off. I slept till nine but didn't get out of bed until eleven. Then did as little as possible through out the entire day. I even sat on my balcony and soaked up sun.
It was a nice day and all the windows in the house were open. I feel very refreshed and as ready to start the week as I will ever be.
Its amazing how a day of rest and some sun can help clear the mind.
I also got a nice surprise today. So that didn't hurt anything.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Day 54

So... I spent the evening with a male. He very clearly wanted to do nice things for me. We walked around the mall for a few hours, as he needed to buy new shoes. But then he very much wanted to buy me shoes as well. When I refused to let him he insisted that he buy me a new nose ring as I had been saying I wanted one. We walked up to the store to look and he was convinced that they were going to cost him $100 at least. Seriously. Do I look the kind of girl that wears that kind of thing? I think not. But after he spent the five dollars that the nose ring actually costs. He reached over and grabbed my hand and said that He wanted to spend another seventy five on me. What the heck?
I dont even know what to do here. And then after spending a little while at my house he left to go take care of his sisters horse.
I am not saying that my guard is down. But it certainly was nice to be treated that well.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Day 53

I have run out of dares for the time being so I have decided that I am going to just write. Not make dares or challenges but to use this space to just mind vent. Until I can come up with more dares.
I guess I am daring myself to release through written word rather than spoken word.

Day 54

I am embarrassed to say that I had to buy a bottle of vitamin d the other day. Coming from living in Colorado the thought of buying vitamin d is like watering your lawn in the northwest winter. Completely ridiculous.
But living here and enduring winters is very hard on my body and soul. This is the first year I have really noticed it. And it is seriously taking its toll on me.
I feel like it isn't too much to ask to just have one full day of sun. And as much as I hate being hot in the summer I much prefer that to being wet and cold in the winter.
Once again... Another way I am my mothers daughter.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Day 52

I dare you to leave it up to chance.

Today is a leap day. A day that doesn't exist for the next three years. The day that you can let chance take over your life and just go with what life throws at you.  Today it doesn't matter. Because for the next three years this day won't happen. So take advantage of it. Throw caution to the wind. Be a little out of the ordinary.