Day 51

I dare you to not live in the past.

Ok. So last week was hard. Everyone around me knows that last week was bad. I was spiraling quickly towards rock bottom.

But... I stopped and took a look around me and then walked away. I left that behind me and I am ready to change my mood and my ways.

I hate being depressed. I have always been such a happy person. I like that version of me. I know that I just need to focus on getting some place better in my work and to finish school.

Its time to be happy. Happy is better.

Day 50

Holy cow!!! 50 days!!!! That's a long time.

I dare you to play in the dirt.

I love the dirt. I grew up in it. Seriously if I have the chance to get dirty by doing something fun and useful, I will take it. Everything. Changing car parts. Dancing in the mud. Anything. I absolutely love it.

Day 49

I dare you to cleanse your soul.

I had to do this. It became necessary for moving forward in my life.
I am not suggesting anything drastic. Nothing like taking on a new religion or creating a completely new lifestyle or anything. I just mean dropping the stress of every day life.

Take a couple days and removing yourself completely and going somewhere peaceful and maybe particularly somewhere with bo cell service. So that way you have control over who can contact you and when.

Day 48

I dare you to wait your turn.

We all want the chance to be first. First in line. First parking spot. First to discover something new. But in all honesty. Being first kind of sucks.

When you are first you have no standards to follow. So when you fail it is easier to have someone come up behind you and fix what you did wrong and take the credit for it.
Sometimes just being patient and waiting for the person in front of you to set a low standard is better. This gives you the chance to really let your colors and talents shine through.

Day 47

I dare you to get away.

I would love a vacation right about now. Sadly... I will not be taking one for a while.
Vacations are important. Not only for taking a break but for giving yourself a chance to clear out the clutter in your head.
Taking time off and staying home is good too but it just does not create the same head space as going away.
Since I can't take a vacation I plan to spend my next few chances at a day off getting out of Portland. I am going to be visiting family on Saturday and then as long as I have Sunday off I plan to head out to the river. Just to not begin the city anymore and to be away from my life.

Day 46

I dare you to indulge in baby time.

Yesterday was all around a terrible day. Today I am spending the day with a brand new baby.
Indulging in baby therapy. The smile and smell. Being in the presence of pure innocence is so calming.
Now if only it would make everything go away.

Day 45

I dare you to let yourself break.

I have been trying for the last couple weeks to get a better perspective and to move past things more quickly.
Its not working. So today I am letting myself be broken.

Day 44

I dare you to have a hermit day.

I love to be around people. I love the energy ( for the most part). I love the noise. I love just knowing that people are there. Growing up I was that kid that as soon as I walked in the house after coming home from a vacation or a busy day running errands, I wanted to call someone to come over and play. I love being social.
But as I have gotten older, I have discovered the beauty in being alone.
As much as I love being in the middle of a crowded room, I absolutely love the silence in being alone.
I also have learned to appreciate being alone because I rarely get alone time at my house anymore. I basically lived alone for a few months and I was torn between loving it and hating it. But now that I have another roommate that I didnt plan on, who has no job and is always at home, I get sick of always having the presence of another human.
I am very grateful for being able to go in my bedroom and shut the door and do my own thing in there.
Sometimes being around people is amazing. But it is important to have alone time to regroup and collect your thoughts and sometimes to just breathe.

Day 43

I dare you to only take on as much as you can handle.

I have bitten off way more than I can chew in life currently. I am extremely exhausted and over whelmed. I literally cant take on any thing else.
But this is actually turning out to be a good thing. I have been able to step back on a lot of relationships that didnt deserve the energy that I was putting into them. I have been able to look at things in my life and give them a reality check. Being able to put things on the back burner until I take care of me. It is probably the first time in my life that I have been this okay with being me.
I have to thank being so busy that I have no time for anything else for this chance to take a better look at my life. I miss my social life but I know that emotionally, this is a way better way to go. I don't get so caught up in pleasing people or worrying about what other people think or feel.
I dont mean that in a bad way. I am not saying that I dont care about other people at all. I am just saying that its not time for me to take care of people. It is time to take care of me.
I feel healthy emotionally right now. I am tired and drained emotionally and physically but I am in a healthy place with it.

Day 42

I dare you to just live.

Today has been a long day. But I had a nice dinner to look forward to.
I know whatever is happening between Ben and me probably is not going to last or go anywhere. But he makes me happy right now.

So if that means being taken to nice dinners and what not for a little heart ache later. Its fine. Because for right now I am just going to live.

Day 41

I dare you to refrain from over population.

It is unbelievable to me how many babies are having babies these days. Its like either parents never had the talk with their kids or their kids are just kind of dumb.
I work with a few people that, in my opinion, are WAY too young to be having babies. One is 21 and the other is 18. I think about how I was at both of those ages and I know I was NO where near ready to start having kids. Do I want my own kids? Sure. I cant wait to have kids. But I am 26 and do not feel as though I am ready for that. I cant imagine being 18 and having a kid.

A family came in to my work this morning and they had five kids under the age of 8. Easily. The parents were not much older than me. It makes me so sad. I cant even imagine having one. Five though!!!!
There is no rush for me to have kids. NONE. I want them someday with or without a husband. But that day is certainly not today.

I also dont understand how people dont use birth control. If you cant afford to protect yourself then you certainly cant afford to raise a baby or deal with a disease.

Day 40

I dare you to take on a project.

I have a lot going on right now. As far as work is concerned anyway. But I feel like I need to accomplish things that are going to be healthy for my mental state.
I have recently decided to cut caffeine out of my daily diet. I am not planning to go cold turkey but I am trying to cut the amount that I take in. I tend to use it as a crutch to get me through my days. Starting at 4:00 in the monring means that if I sleep in past then I wake up with a raging caffeine headache. Which is so beyond unhealthy.
So here starts my goal to use healthy foods as a way to get me started in the morning. I am going to concentrate much more on my vitamin in take and try to get that to over take my need for coffee.

Along with that though I am finding that if I can keep my hands and brain busy I notice it less. So I have started crocheting again. I just recently bought some incredibly amazingly soft yarn and I am working on making a pillowcase with it. I have a super soft blanket that I absolutely love and have a hard time sleeping without. So I figure why not have my head on a cloud too.
Also I have started writing. I dont know what it is going to turn into but as of right now it is a story that revolves around a lot of the things that I have going on in my life. I have barely started it so I am no where near knowing what is going on. But I have a lot of things that I want to vent about and I figure writing it is a good way to make it sound less like whining.

Day 39

I dare you to do some weeding.

And no I dont mean weeding the garden. I mean weeding of the bad in your life.
I am absolutely not pointing fingers at anyone here because I am extremely guilty of letting the bad weeds over stay their welcome.
I am completely aware of this. I know that I need to get rid of the people and things that are dragging me down. But for whatever reason. I cant.
I have an over active concience. Seriously. I feel guilty for everything. I cant call into work with  out a legitimate reason. I cant tell people that they are doing something wrong. I just cant. I am constantly trying to keep peace and it never seems to work.
I seriously need to weed out a LOT of things. Especially people. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. I trust people way to easily and I assume that when they say they will do something, that they actually will. But very rarely does any one actually follow through.
I am also very weary about promises. I refuse to promise something unless I know for a fact that I can keep it. But people like to promise me that they will do things and when it doesnt happen I am let down even more than I normally should be.
So my goal this year is to really evaluate the people in my life and if they actually deserve any of my time, because a lot of the people I devote time and energy to dont deserve even half of what I give them.

Day 38

I dare you to be giddy.

For the first time in my life I am giddy on valentines day. Trust me. This is a first. I actually think the holiday is stupid but not the feeling. I think every day should be the day you tell the person you love that you love them. What is wrong with giving chocolates and flowers on say... July 26? I am just saying. It is a completely ridiculous holiday and makes single people feel like crap.
But today.... I found out that my dinner on Saturday night is our celebration of valentines day. And Ben asked me to he his valentine. He said he realizes our situation is weird but he still would like me to be his valentine. So yes... As much as I know things have not changed and I still hate valentines day. I am totally giddy today!!!

Day 37

I dare you to believe in yourself.

I was having a hard time coming up with a dare today but as soon as I started typing, this one came to me.
So many people, especially women, tend to have very low self esteem and or self confidence.
I am not exempt from this category, all though I am pretty good at putting on a front.
I have a hard time believing that I have anything going for me a lot of the time. I look at other women and I compare myself to them constantly. Whether it is looks or body or achievements. I constantly think about what I could do to change who I am.
In reality though, as much as there is about me that I would love to change, there are things that I like and I realize that those other women dont have what I have.
I would love to have the bodies of some of the other women, and some day I will. Unfortunately due to medication that I took when I was younger, it is harder for me to change my body image than I would like it to be.
However, all the physical things aside, I am a very loving and caring person. I try my hardest to put other people before me. I love to take care of people. Making other people happy makes me happy.

I realize I can not point my fingers at any one because I am the exact same way, I am aware that there is an issue. Being able to love yourself is hard. But if you want anyone to love you and believe in you for who you are, you have to learn to love and believe in yourself first.

Day 36

I dare you to not care about anyone but you.

It is rare that I give myself a chance to just do whatever I want and not pay attention to the people around me. I was not raised to ignore people. But I got home from running errands today and saw my roommates boyfriend on the couch. I had so much to get done this afternoon as it is my only day without work.
Anyway, he was sitting on the couch playing video games. Which annoys me enough as it is but dishes needed to be done, I had to finish laundry, the house needed to be vacuumed, and the dishwasher needed to be unloaded. Most of which are things that he can do. Not my laundry, but everything else could have already been done.
So I decided that I was going to do what I needed to do and be as loud as possible about it. With one load of laundry in the washing machine and one in the dryer, I unloaded the dishwasher, making sure to crash the dishes as much as I could and still be careful. Then ran the water nice and high so that it was loud.
I am so sick of him being here and being on the couch, playing video games. I am sick of being considerate in any way and not getting the slightest reciprocation.  He never asks if he can do anything for me. He never asks if I need the shower before he goes in there.
So, from here on out I am taking back my house. I am doing what I need to do and not caring about other people,  at least not him.

Day 35

I dare you to not pull a "Ben".

I have sort of a massive jumble of being confused and being happy and scared and nervous and tired and happy (yes I realize I added that twice) going on in my head right now.
I have started seeing my ex again. I know I know. I realize that most of the time that never works out. But who knows.When we were together, I was super happy and our break up came out of no where. I thought everything was good and going smoothly and then he showed up at my house one day and brought me donuts, told me I was not the one and walked away. My feeling at the time was, "Of course I am not the one. We barely know each other yet." But we both walked away, and it took a while for us to speak to each other again. But just recently we decided to meet up for dinner and he told me how much he missed me and how stupid he was for breaking up with me. Well DUH!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I am a catch. But seriously.
He told me that he wanted to work on our relationship the right way and start out as a stronger friend bond and go from there. So I agreed and we have been talking. But then he asked me to be his date to a dinner at a fairly fancy restaurant with his coworkers and their wives. Four days after Valentines Day. I know that it isn't Valentines Day but still that doesnt seem like a just friends thing to me. And then last night he and I were talking and he called me "baby girl". Ok. Terms of endearment are nice or whatever, but that is not something you call your friends. I don't care who you are. So I have a feeling that things are heading in a different direction than was originally planned. We have dinner plans tonight so I am hoping that we can talk and kind of figure out where everything is sitting.
I know that I was really happy with him and he crushed me when we broke up. But I still cant help but be smiling. For no reason. I am just happy again. What scares me is this is exactly what I felt like the first time around and I dont want to let it effect me as much. I want to be in control. But what can I say? He makes me happy.

Also, I am pretty sure I forgot to blog yesterday, which means it is my first missed day. But I was spending the day with my sister and her kids so I consider it excusable.

Day 34

I dare you to indulge.
Sometimes it is okay to take advantage of things. When you work hard for your money, its okay to let yourself have a little of the reward. I have decided, now that I am working so much, that it is okay for me to get some of the things I have not been able to get. I have been dealing with a computer with no battery for two years. And today I got a new battery.

I am also very excited to indulge of smaller debt. It is still a little way out but when all my debt is paid off... all this work without play and constant exhaustion will be totally worth it. Plus then I can finally indulge in finishing school and moving forward. Long term goals I know. But still.

Day 33

I dare you to experience.

So many of us just get sucked into the routine of every day life. I am just as guilty of this. Get up. Go to work. Go to bed. But with that we lose the chances to experience so many things.
There are so many things available to us. Maybe not without cost or whatever. But still.
How many times do you pass up doing something because you have to work? I do it a lot. Even if it is just going out with friends or something simple.
This year I have all sorts of plans. I have plans for visits from friends and I have plans to visit friends. I have decided that it is time to experience new places and faces and moments. I only get one shot at life. I may as well cram as many experiences into it as I can.

Day 32

I dare you to use those three words.

I know it is hard for some people to say I love you. Not necessarily in the case of significant others. But in everything. Telling family and friends every chance you get. Its hard sometimes to decipher between extreme like and love and lust. But sometimes it is just right.
There are certain people in my life that I constantly say I love you to. Family is a no brainer for me. Even the cousins and distant ones. I am not super close with my extended family but that doesn't mean I don't love them. They are blood.
Then there are my friends. I have a few super close friends who I say it to. After pretty much every phone conversation. Now I have friends who I care about very much and would most likely do anything for. However. They and I both know that we are not as close as I am with other people. So the phrase is used rarely.
I have one friend who is, for the sake of using the term, my best friend. He has been by my side the longest and most consistently of all my friends. And with him, not a day goes by that we have not exchanged at least four "I love you"s. It is just what we do. Neither of us is afraid to admit that we love each other.
Its not hard to say. It is just hard to know the accurate times to use it.
I think it should be used more often with friends and family but I by no means think it should be used early on in relationships. It absolutely has to be earned and be from the heart.
People say the word 'hate' is too strong for what it is used for and for how often it is used. But don't you think the same goes for 'love'?

Day 31

I dare you to appreciate.

Today my mother and I went to a local college and took part in Charles Dicken's 200th birthday party. It was pretty interesting to see the people who were there and totally obvious which ones were required to be there and which ones were there simply because they wanted to be.
We were part of the latter group.
It amazing that one person could have had such an amazing impact on the entire world. Everyone knows who he is and has at least heard of the things he has written. But I don't think many people in my generation actually appreciate it.
He was clearly an amazing writer and had such a wild imagination. I can't even imagine being able to come up with all of the words for all of the characters.
It is truly amazing. And it makes me appreciate my childhood more. I was lucky to be raised on books written by such a man.

P.s. I have completed one month without missing a day.

Day 30

I dare you to refrain from "lol".

I absolutely hate the over use of "lol". If it is funny enough to laugh out loud then write "ha ha ha". Don't make the statement of... I am.laughing out loud. Its ridiculous. When I receive a text that simply says... Lol. I want to hurt someone. Seriously. Who does that? It gets even worse when you are having an actual face to face conversation and instead of the person laughing they say... " lol". Are you kidding me? Laughing is good for you. Its ok to let it out. For heavens sake let out a gafaw every once in a while.

Day 29

I dare you to be selfish with alone time.

I use to not be that into alone time. I love being around people. But lately I have no chance for alone time so I crave it. I got my first bit of alone time today after two weeks of not having it. That is too much. Everyone needs alone time. But for me it is because my roommates boyfriend is always in the house which is annoying any way but it is even more annoying when I  can't simply live in my own house.
I don't think it is too much to ask for to get alone time. I just want to pee with the door open and watch whatever show I want. And know my food will be there where I left it.

Day 28

I dare you to be active.

So my back has been hurting really badly lately and so I have been babying it. But today my work was so busy for five hours that I didn't stop moving. Since I was the only one working and there was a constant stream of people. But suddenly I realized that my back didn't hurt. So apparently staying active helps your body to hurt less. Go figure.

Day 27

I dare you to dare me.

I have nothing left in me today. I have no expectations of people or suggestions. I feel like every time I turn around I am upsetting someone. And I am exhausted. So this time you can dare me. Give me something to keep the driving force.

Day 26

I dare you to be strong.

Today I was thinking about my friend in Seattle. She went through a month of just one horrible thing after another. She has lost so much. Yet every day she has something positive to say and a smile on her face.
She is such an inspiration to me. I often have to take another look at things after I think about her.
Happiness is in our hands.

Day 25

I dare you to allow yourself to be angry.

Sometimes it is necessary to just be upset. To not let things blow over right away but to just embrace what you are feeling.
This year I have been trying really hard to refocus my energies on things that deserve them. But sometimes I just need to be angry.
Today was one of those days. I was fine until I found out I was going to help cover my roommates end of the utilities because she has not been working enough. That made me irritated because last month I had to help cover the other roommate. But then I found out that dinner plans had to change because my roommate can't afford to buy food because she has to help cover her sister.
I know it all seems stupid and petty but its true. Sometimes its ok to just be angry. And let yourself feel emotions.